Trumping The Pope

Donald Trump standing next to Pope Francis

What if . . .

President Trump: Welcome Your . . . say, how should I address you? Honestly, Your Holiness sounds more like Hillary Clinton’s email server. How about Your Popeliness?

Pope Francis: Please Mr. President, you may call me Pope Francis.

President Trump: I should know that. My executive assistants are a bunch of schmucks. I would fire them, but they are all past winners of The Apprentice. NBC cancelled my show, by the way. I am taking them to court. The company is a disaster. A complete disaster.

Pope Francis: Mr. President, thank you for inviting me to the White House lawn on such a warm and glorious day that God has provided us.

President Trump: I have to agree with you—we can thank God for global warming. Although the Chinese should take some blame too. It is a bad deal designed to make US manufacturing non-competitive. It’s a disgrace.

Pope Francis: Climate change is a problem that can no longer be left to future generations. To use a phrase of Dr. Martin Luther King, we can say that we have defaulted on a promissory note and now is the time to honor it.

President Trump: I have no reason to apologize. I am a very successful business man. I have used the bankruptcy laws of this country to do a great job for my company, my employees, and my family. And I don’t see any reason to stop now.

Pope Francis: This day I look forward to my visit in America as one of God’s children.

President Trump: Yes, I understand that. Some very important people who I greatly respect have proof which I will give you in a couple of days that you are a Papel Populist born in Argentina. But your polling numbers are good. I respect that. Are you in double digits yet?

Pope Francis: I have come to your country to appeal to Catholics and all people of goodwill . . .

President Trump: Did you hear that? He said my country. My country! I love this guy. I love children too. And Iowans. Oh, and women. They are all phenomenal people. Really. I wish I could give them all rides in my helicopter.

Pope Francis: Mr. President, I come to remind you that religious freedom remains one of America’s most precious possessions.

President Trump: You aren’t a Muslim are you?

Pope Francis: Mr. President, American Catholics are committed to building a society which is truly tolerant and inclusive, of safeguarding the rights of individuals, and rejecting every form of injustice and discrimination.

President Trump: Oh, you are a democrat! I was a democrat once. A republican too. That was before I self-funded the Trump America Party. That’s what $10 billion can get you in this country.

Pope Francis: I try to be simple, I am the son of an immigrant family.

President Trump: Yes, I saw you drive up in that little Italian Fiat. It’s a miserable excuse for a car. That’s why Chrysler had to save the company. So I have to ask, how did you get past my wall? Nobody builds walls better than me, believe me. I spent very little money at great expense to the Mexicans, some of whom I assume are good people, to build that thing.

Pope Francis: Mr. President, I flew to America in an airplane from Cuba. I am happy to be a guest in this country and in all countries of Christianity in the world. The Creator does not recognize boundaries among people.

President Trump: I’m going to change that. I am sorry, but even God needs a valid passport and a Green Card to stay here. Maybe I need to build a bigger wall.

Pope Francis: Mr. President, I am officially a diplomatic visitor to the Apostolic Nunciature of the Holy See.

President Trump: Is that the best name you could come up with for your embassy? I would never name one of my properties something like that. How about tonight I give you the honeymoon suite in the Trump White House. Just see my daughter Ivanka on your way out. She can set you up. By the way, let me just say with all sincerity that we are looking forward to opening up the new Trump Embassy Suites in the Vatican.

Pope Francis: Mr. President, as you know, The Vatican has declined your request to build a casino in the Holy City.

President Trump: Trust me, it will go up.

Pope Francis: As Christians, we wish to commit ourselves to the conscious and responsible care of our common home.

President Trump: What? Your home is only like 100 acres! I own golf courses that are bigger than the Vatican. I promise, if I want a casino in the Vatican, I will get a casino. If you can’t get rich dealing with politicians then there is something wrong with you.

Pope Francis: May I leave for Philadelphia now?