Humor by John Christmann
Apollo 13.5
Forty years ago an explosion rocked the Command Module of the Apollo 13 lunar expedition. Floating helplessly in space, Captain James Lovell uttered the most famous words in space history: Oh, %*#@!
Years later, in order to obtain a PG rating for the film version of Apollo 13, Tom Hanks modified this phrase to: Houston, we have a problem.
In their heroic quest to return to earth, the indomitable crew of Apollo 13 fought off sickness, fatigue, and frigid temperatures to repair their crippled Command Module. With assistance provided by scientists at Mission Control in Houston, they calculated how to borrow power from the Lunar Excursion Module. They even jury rigged a coupling device using duct tape and the cover of a dusty User Manual located in the glove compartment in order to divert a toxic build up of carbon dioxide gas.
And in a particularly tense point in the mission, they figured out how they were related to Kevin Bacon.
Today, Apollo 13 has come to signify the triumph of man in the face of adversity.
Dick and Tim’s Excellent Adventure
Dick and Tim are self-reliant guys from upstate New York. They fix things. And when they don’t have tools, they use good old Yankee ingenuity and their front incisors. They are the kind of men who ignore Do Not Resuscitate orders on their trucks, and while confidently maintaining them, drive them into the ground.
Tim had always dreamed of going to the moon. But this time he wouldn’t make it. He was driving to Philadelphia. His co-pilot, Dick, had the helm of their Command Module, a rusting Chevy truck, just off the blocks.
I was at Mission Control for a weekend with old friends awaiting their arrival. Up to this point our only mission flaw had been a broken bottle opener and our only challenge was to figure out a way to open beer cans without using our foreheads, which we considered dangerous, foolhardy, and wet.
We solved the problem by buying a keg. But our luck was about to change.
At 1955 hours, which I think is night, we received a call. It was Tim. “Houston, we have a problem!”
From the garbled speaker phone Dick broke in. “We can see brake fluid out the cabin window!”
“Copy that,” we said stiffly. “Can you verify that it is break fluid?”
“Yes, our truck won’t stop.”
Halfway between the moon and earth is no place to be crippled. But this was worse than anyone could possibly imagine. They were in New Jersey.
Here is the thing about impending catastrophe. Under extreme stress, men can do extraordinary things. We reach into ourselves to solve problems where no solutions exist.
And sometimes, we come up with solutions where no problems exist.
“Houston, we have solved the gas scrubber problem!” It was Tim. “We devised a tube using duct tape and some empty cans to divert the toxic fumes from the blower to the exchange vents.”
“Copy that,” we said again, pretending like we knew what he was talking about. “What gas scrubber problem?”
“Oh, we stopped at Taco Bell after we bought brake fluid.”
“Brake fluid?”
“Thirteen cases at the Grover Cleveland Rest Stop. Whenever the brakes get squishy, we stop and replenish the system.”
Then, thirty minutes later. “Houston, we are running out of brake fluid, but we have a solution. At our next stop we will remove the leaking brake line at the master cylinder where we can safely cut it. Then we will jam a golf tee in the stub and smother it with Rhino glue. The back brakes will no longer function but the front brakes will get us there just fine.”
It was an ingenious plan, but still, it sounded risky. “Why don’t you use your credit card instead?” I suggested.
This time, Dick. “I don’t think it will create a tight enough seal.”
“Actually, I was thinking you could call Triple A and have the vehicle towed to a service station where the brake line could be safely replaced tomorrow. We will pick you up.”
There was a pause on the communications channel as Dick and Tim mulled over the idea. This is when I learned that there are no bounds to be placed on man.
“Apollo 13 had no service stations! Tom Hanks was not carrying a credit card! They used their ingenuity and what they had around them to solve a problem!”
I reminded them that Apollo 13 also had a roomful of NASA rocket scientists helping them from the ground.
They reminded me that I was not a rocket scientist. Then they suggested that to be helpful I might want to restock the refrigerator with beer before their splash down in thirty minutes.
Here is what I know about adversity. It is an awful lot like a beer run. Failure is not an option.
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