Humor by John Christmann
Baby, It's Cold Outside
Given that most of the Northern Hemisphere is making ice right now, it is hard to believe that the planet is warming as scientists predict.
Of course, the proponents of global warming will tell you that the weather we are experiencing is just a temporary redistribution of the polar ice cap to Florida. The cynics, on the other hand, will remind you that this is the same state that cost Al Gore the 2000 election.
Here in New Jersey the weather is pretty much what we would expect for the second week of January. So the fact that New Jersey is a relative hotspot of the nation right now is real cause for concern; because if you believe in global warming, then New Jersey is at the vanguard of a new desert wasteland.
But if you believe, as many do, that global warming is nothing but hot air, the relatively normal Jersey temperatures suggest that underground Radon is a much bigger problem than we once thought.
It is clear, then, that in the effort to study global climate change, there is much more research to do in New Jersey.
Part of the problem with global warming is that our conclusions are shaped by what we see on TV. Tune to the Discovery Channel any time of the day and you will witness large chunks of ice splitting off glaciers carrying helpless polar bears far into the ocean, probably heading to New Jersey. And if you watch MTV, there is also ample evidence that tanned girls are going wild as far north as The Jersey Shore.
But I suppose this popular broadcast view of climate change is understandable. After all, who really wants to watch a reality TV show based on a bunch of young, trashy Italian-Americans ice fishing in the swamps around Giants Stadium?
It seems to me the real problem with global warming is that we have to rely on scientists.
In the old days we could let crackpots like Albert Einstein offer up his Theory of Relativity and warn us of the dangers marrying our first cousins while traveling really fast. Even if you believed his crazy notion that time slows down as you approach the speed of light, the consequences were pretty harmless. Unless, of course, you drove your Model T into a tree at 25 mph trying to extend your life.
But things changed significantly after all the wacko scientists got together and developed the atomic bomb. We could observe their mushrooming handiwork firsthand through lead shields over the desert wasteland—which before global warming, was located in Nevada—and suddenly we had good reason to believe everything they were telling us.
Ask any grade school kid and they will tell you that scientists develop predictions based on observations, then gather and sort experimental evidence to explain their predictions. This is why scientists like Al Roker go on to be highly paid meteorologists on TV. It also explains why our kids are behind the rest of the world in the field of Science.
Because any working scientist will tell you that a real scientist develops theories based on the likelihood of obtaining a grant, then gathers experimental evidence to ensure media coverage.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live my life under the dire predictions of so-called scientific experts who tell me things I can’t possibly comprehend based on data that I cannot possibly collect for myself.
I want to take science back into my own hands. I want to use my five senses to make observations, I want to create my own hypotheses, I want to go to Cancun every winter and record how long the ice lasts in a Margarita glass and draw my own conclusions about global warming.
Then I want to communicate my results to the world standing on a forklift in front of a large PowerPoint slide and receive an Academy Award just like a real scientist!
I may not have a PhD in science, but I have collected temperature data everyday of my life. And as a fledgling Albert Einstein, I can tell you this about our global climate: it is winter and it is cold outside.
My esteemed colleagues, Nobel Laureates, and distinguished members of The Academy: let me assure you that global warming is very real. It will develop slowly over the next six months, after which, global cooling will return throwing most of the northern latitudes into periods of extended darkness and ice. This cycle is likely to continue until we are dead.
But I could be wrong. And if things get really bad we may have polar bears as pets. But on the bright side, we could soon be watching Girls Gone Wild in Newfoundland.
Thank you.
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