Humor by John Christmann
Stand Up and Be Counted
I have been getting a lot of surveys in the mail lately. It seems everyone wants to know how they are doing; the bank, the medical center, the auto service dealer, the plumber. I always thought that if I returned as a customer it was a pretty definitive indication of how they were doing. And if I complained, well, they certainly knew why.
But nowadays, in our customer-centric world, people’s jobs are based on survey results. These days, questionnaires are unbiased, highly complex statistical instruments carefully designed to capture every aspect of the customer service experience.
115. And how satisfied are you with the draperies in our lobby . . .
To adequately convey the quality of my experience requires careful consideration and thoughtful responses provided in the space below. Which is why I throw most of these surveys away.
The problem is, I just have a difficult time answering all of the questions, which seem monotonously designed to lull me into a satisfied stupor.
. . . Would you say you are completely satisfied, moderately satisfied, somewhat not undisasatisfied, moderately completely not somewhat undissatisfied, or not at all completely dissatisfied with your satisfaction?
Over time I have learned to avoid any fill-in circles on the right side of the scale because these responses tend to be more negative and require me to explain on the line below how the drapes in the lobby could be changed to improve the customer service experience.
I have also learned to routinely check those boxes which enable me to skip the expanded explanations for questions six, seven, and eight; which usually means that I never had an illness, never went to school, and was never convicted of falsifying a questionnaire in another state. Some of this is true anyway.
So you can imagine how thrilled I was to receive a survey from the US Census Bureau.
On the front of the envelope, in big bold ominous letters, the Bureau warned me that my response was required by law. This meant that I had to fill out the survey or run the risk of writing an explanation for Question 8 on every additional survey for the rest of my life.
But contrary to my expectations, I was pleasantly surprised by the simplicity of the questionnaire. To the Bureau’s credit, the 2010 US Census was so simple, a child could do it!
Which is why I had my younger son complete the Census while I carefully considered more important things; like the deductions I could take on Line 40a of Form 1040 and the draperies in the lobby of my auto service dealer.
Ten minutes later my son came back stumped. “What about Rider?” he asked. “Rider is a person too!”
“Technically, Rider is a cat,” I told him. “But I understand your point. He is part of our family. We feed him. He lives here and sleeps here full time. He is not in a nursing home or detention facility. He is not away at college or in the Armed Forces. He is registered with the city. He has a birthday and he even has papers. Heck, we can even buy him healthcare and he can’t be turned down for a being a cat since it is a pre-existing condition.”
After brief consideration, I decided to let my son register Rider in the US Census. After all, what is one additional member to the population? Besides, the instructions were pretty clear: The Census must count every person living in the United States on April 1, 2010. On April Fools Day, surely a cat can stand up and be counted. “Go ahead and list him,” I said April foolishly.
A minute later my son came back perplexed. “Dad, what race is Rider? He is only partially white. He has some black stripes, but he is mostly brown. He is not Persian. He is not Siamese. He is not a Mexican Hairless. What is a Maine Coon cat?”
“Hmm,” I said. “I think they have been breeding in this country for centuries. Check the box that says Native American, and identify him as a member of the Feline Nation.”
And with that, we completed the 2010 US Census and dropped it in the US Mail postage free, paid for with the tax dollars I would send off in a couple of weeks depending on my final calculations for taxable income on Form 1040, line 43.
In the end my son received a valuable civics lesson. The Feline Nation received a chance at redistricting. And the Census Bureau? Well, unfortunately they received a low score based on the color of their drapes.
116. And how satisfied are you with the distinctiveness of our return envelopes?
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