Humor by John Christmann
The Breast: Exposed!
OK, this is a really blatant headline designed to attract the attention of readers who are looking for something salacious. And so far, it has worked.
But last week I saw a slow-news-day report which made the dubious claim that 2010 was the 100th anniversary of the bra. Or maybe it was two 50th anniversaries, I am not sure.
Nevertheless, the event coincided with the release of an award winning film at Cannes (hey, I didn’t name this town), entitled Sex and the City 2. The Sex and the City film franchise is an enormously popular pair of movies in which a group of women proudly celebrate their sexuality and when possible, blame all of their unresolved issues on men.
So, as a liberated man who was burned by a flaming bra many years ago, I think it is time to pump up my chest and . . . I’m sorry, let me rephrase this . . . I think it is time to expose some commonly misunderstood facts about this most mythical area of the female anatomy. Facts such as . . .
1. Men have an unusual preoccupation with the female breast.
True. There is a reason why we don’t see women’s magazines like Cosmopolitan and Vogue at the checkout stand in hardware stores, just as we don’t see male medical journals such as Maximum Cleavage lying around beauty salons, even though their covers are identical. I don’t know what this reason is, but there must be one.
Besides, you don’t really expect me to argue with popular female wisdom, do you?
2. Women have an unusual preoccupation with the female breast.
True. (See 1 above.)
3. The modern brassiere was invented by a man.
False. The modern brassiere was patented in 1914 by Mary Phelps Jacobs. The concept of cup size was introduced in the 1920s by Ida Rosenthal. Stuffing the bra into a trash can was the fashion statement of Germaine Greer in the 1960s. And in the 1990s, Madonna redefined the garment as outerwear using a durable fabric woven around Scud Missiles.
According to women, if a man had invented the brassiere it probably would have been made of uncomfortable aluminum and fastened with a Pop Top Tab and Velcro. (See 1 above.)
4. There is no “ideal” breast size or shape.
True. Breasts come in a variety of sizes, shapes, and yes, colors. They consist of glands, ducts, connective ligaments, fatty tissue, and in some rare cases, packets of saline. The breast undergoes physical changes associated with diverse factors such as age, menstruation cycles, lactation, and questionable garments designed to shape them into Scud Missiles.
This variety makes every woman unique. Isn’t it wonderful? (See 1 above.)
5. Women who undergo cosmetic breast enlargement are shallow.
False. To the contrary, women who undergo breast enlargement are attempting to not appear shallow to men who probably are. (See 1 above.)
However, the overall appearance of the breast is a matter of personal expression that can sometimes be related to issues of self esteem. In such cases, breast augmentation, reduction, or reconstruction may be warranted; provided, of course, the breasts are not transformed into Scud Missiles.
6. Breasts change shape over time.
True. The shape of the female breast is based on anatomical support provided by Cooper’s ligaments (yes, Cooper was a man). These ligaments typically hold the breast somewhere between the 3rd and 6th rib. But over time, these ligaments can stretch causing breasts to fall somewhere between the knee cap and the ankle bone.
At least this is what the cartoon birthday cards at Walgreens claim.
7. Routine breast exams can detect cancer.
True. Breast Cancer comprises roughly 10% of all cancer among women, and if not treated early, can be deadly. To detect breast cancer, The American Cancer Society recommends routine self examinations coupled with annual mammograms for women, starting in their 40s.
The bad news is mammograms require women to compress their breasts into the slot of a cold toaster.
The good news is that Testicular Cancer is not detected the same way.
8. Breast-fed babies are healthier and exhibit greater intelligence later in life.
True and False. In my scientific sample of one, I can say this definitively: I was bottle-fed as an infant and I am very, very healthy.
9. Breasts are associated with human sexuality.
True. Breasts are considered part of The Erogenous Zone. Erogenous Zones are tax exempt tribal areas established during the Reagan administration in which gambling is legal, giving way to the expression: What happens in the Erogenous Zone stays in the Erogenous Zone.
10. The breast can be a source of humor.
False. Female breasts are a source of milk. Man boobs are a source of humor.
For more useful information on this topic, ignore 1 above.
© 2010 Dadinthebox.com