Humor by John Christmann
Battle Hymn Of The Donkey Dad
After all of the recent hubbub about extreme parenting, I have come to the conclusion that I need to become a Tiger Mom.
This is daunting. First, I am not Chinese. Second, I am not a woman. And third, well, I am more of an ass than a tiger. So it is doubtful that I will ever reach this new pinnacle of parenting.
With this losing attitude, it really is no wonder America is in decline.
The fact is, despite my noble ambition, I don’t really need to be a Tiger Mom. That’s because I am raising Tiger Kids; they call me an ogre when I ask them take out the garbage, they refuse to let me watch ESPN when they are busy playing video games, they claim cold cereal demonstrates my utter lack of dinner preparation effort, and they make me repeat things over and over and over until I get it right. Things like getting them to school on time.
But as harsh as they may sound to some, they are really helpful and caring kids. For example, they tell me I’m not too old to send text messages, even though I don’t understand the abbreviations. And then, when I gain a sense of confidence, they quickly ground me in reality by reminding me that despite my advances; I am still not very cool. In short, they are preparing me for their future by ensuring that I will have no place in it.
After all, it’s less competition.
Honestly, I don’t understand the fuss over this hardcore parenting: If I wanted my kids to be the very best, I would have no problem forcing them on the Internet late into the night to play World of Warcraft. If you ask me, it sure beats memorizing pi to nine places or understanding the role of the abacus in world politics.
But I just happen to think my children will be much more competitive if, for example, they experience how to socialize as guests in the home of other people rather than listening to me rant and rave at the dinner table about how they never practice the piano. Which, by the way, I do.
And the fact is, even if I were a Tiger Mom, I would no longer be able to help my kids much. To me, a fraction is the amount of brainpower I have left to help them with math. And unless they need to speak Pig Latin or write an 800-word essay with a little humor in it, I am pretty useless to them as a language arts tutor.
Although I’m a Donkey Dad, I am not entirely loose about education. I tell my kids that if they understand the subject matter, then getting a solid grade is well within their grasp.
But now that there are so many children of Tiger Moms out there, I no longer expect my kids to get A's; not while the world still operates on a bell curve. Instead I teach them how to ride the right hand slope, how to play the angles, how to use their social skills to suck up to teachers. I want them to compete with dignity and respect and still have time to play Mario Kart or master the air guitar or build Lego machines that do nothing.
One day I will even teach them how to drink beer responsibly. It seems like a good competitive skill.
On the other hand, with all the benefit of hindsight without pain, I wish my mother had been more of a Tiger Mom. If, for example, she had pushed me to play the violin for fifteen hours a day I would not now be wasting my time writing silly humor columns. No indeed, I would right now be spending my days in therapy, expressing guilt that I was the best psychotic fiddle player in New Jersey while secretly wishing my mother would have pushed me to become a better writer.
Or maybe she could have demanded that I pick winning Lotto numbers. But no! She let me go play with friends. She was heartless.
As a Donkey Dad with a new found interest in schooling his kids in the traditional Chinese way that even some families in China find traditional, here is what I want for my kids: I want them to take care of me when I am old and let me play video games and maybe go on play dates. Is that too much to ask after all that I have done for them?
But as Tiger Kids emerging into a highly competitive world, they will probably have none of it. And I can’t blame them.
I guess as a parent, I must be doing something right.
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