Humor by John Christmann
Election Madness
Unless you are a hermit, by now you have come to the understanding that you are very mad. Even if you aren’t really sure.
Of course, this is based on the premise that a ubiquitous, ratings-fueled analysis of politics is the root cause of all our anger, and that as Americans we have the collective will and the right to change the channel if we aren’t angry enough.
This is why I now watch The Simpsons.
Because after months and months of endless political analysis, here is what I have soberly come to realize: Change is what I keep in my pocket, Transparency is the color of the Emperor’s new clothes, and Outsider is a candidate who seeks our vote to become an insider. Oh, and the party I am not affiliated with is evil incarnate.
Personally, I am most upset with the group of ungrateful kids who threw eggs at my house on Halloween. They really left a big mess on my door step to clean. I imagine they will be successful bankers one day.
And so, as an outraged American citizen, I think I too should have the right to throw eggs. Green eggs. And maybe ham. I bet that would leave a messy stain on the Capitol door for a long time.
Here’s the wind up, and the pitch . . .
If I Ran For Office
We are mad at the bills that collect day to day,
We are mad at the taxes that we have to pay.
We are mad when our money is spent in abuse,
We are mad when our money is put to good use.
We are mad mad mad mad. There is nothing that’s good.
At least say the pollsters who measure our mood,
In surveys conducted with I don’t know who.
No one asked me, so I guess it’s all true.
We’re angry with policies they tell us are failing,
We’re angry with elephants, donkeys, and Palins,
With half truths and lies and endless debate,
With dire predictions that will seal our fate,
With jabs, barbs, and speeches to drive us insane,
Do these candidates think that we don’t have a brain?
OK, so we don’t but that’s not important.
The issue is whether we all will vote for them.
Other things really get under my skin,
Like fighting in wars experts say we can’t win,
And poor education and diet and manners,
Intolerant views and angry flame fanners,
Terrorist plots and the Right and the Left,
Viruses, spyware, and identity theft.
And all of those things I just can’t understand,
Like my green blue tooth phone or the new Health Care plan.
Here’s something else: I don’t feel all that cheery,
When Christmas commercials fill in the World Series.
And recycling and credit are getting so drastic!
Do I really need to examine my plastic?
And I abhor amateur poetry with Seussian rhymes.
Like this.
There are lots of things that get me quite pissed,
But for now, I think I’ve exhausted my list.
Talk about change, now here’s a propose-able
idea to address what is no longer disposable.
I’m talking about income and cash register rings,
Which have moved somewhere east, just outside of Beijing
Let’s get rid of the pennies in cans in our closet,
And send them to China for one big deposit.
And while they are counting the great copper masses,
We slip in a bunch of bad mortgage-backed assets.
Here’s yet another idea that I’ve gnawed on.
A brand new amendment would be pretty awesome.
Freedom of Speech is all very clear.
But Freedom from Noise is what we hold dear.
We need a new law so no one can seize,
Our right to wear ear plugs and bear Delete Keys.
For The Land of the Free, will remain free yet,
Just a click and a download on the world Internet.
So you see, I can be a candidate too,
‘Cause I know in my heart that I am better than you.
Your morals are corrupt and your policies failed,
If you were a hash pipe, I wouldn’t inhale.
You will bankrupt this country if you are elected,
You will make things far worse if you are selected.
Your ideas really stink and your breath is quite bad,
My name is John Christmann, I approve of this ad.
Forget what I’ve written, I don’t really mean it.
Let’s just pretend that you have never even seen it.
I apologize for my angry and thoughtless remarks,
They were careless and rude, and really quite dark.
I just wasn’t thinking when I hit the send key,
I don’t think much at all, obviously.
Here is all that I meant to say:
It’s a privilege to vote on Election Day.
And with Green Eggs and Ham, that is really OK.
© 2010 Dadinthebox.com