Humor by John Christmann
Dial 1-800-HUBBLE
I saw on the news that NASA is repairing the Hubble Telescope. Given my own experience with in-home repair services, I can’t help but wonder how they arrange something like this.
“Good morning, Frank’s Repair Shack.”
“Hi this is NASA. In Houston. Do you guys service telescopes?”
“Let me put you on hold while I check with our service manager . . . . Sure. What kind of telescope is it?”
“A Hubble.”
“What’s the model number?”
“Model number? It’s the Hubble Telescope!”
“No problem. We can look it up if we need to order parts. So what’s wrong?”
“One of the cameras is broken. We were transmitting images of a giant black hole in space and it just went dark.”
“It’s a black hole. Isn’t it supposed to be dark?”
“No it’s intermittent. And sometimes the picture is fuzzy.”
“Is it set to channel 3? Maybe the connection is bad. Try unplugging the cable and plugging it back in.”
“It’s in outer space! There is no cable! It’s a very precise instrument. Look, can you get someone out here? We need to get this fixed right away. Our business depends on it.”
“I understand sir. Where are you located?”
“In orbit, about 350 miles above Earth.”
“What’s the nearest cross street?”
“Australia.”
“OK, let me put you on hold for a minute . . . . Sir? We can have one of our repair shuttles there in May.”
“May? Can you be a little more specific? We have to schedule our jobs around this!”
“Hold on . . . . OK, sir? We can have somebody there the third week of May, between Sunday and Thursday. We charge $80 million for the visit, which will be deducted from your bill should you want to proceed with the repairs.”
“$80 million? Just to look at it?”
Two months later. . .
“Good morning, Franks Repair Shack.”
“Yeah, this is NASA again. In Houston. We scheduled a telescope repair and no one showed up.”
“Please hold while I check . . . . Sir, our repairman showed up on Tuesday and no one was there. He left a note on one of the mirrors.”
“But the telescope is unmanned! No one is supposed to be there! Everything is on the outside!”
“Sir, they need to get inside in order to shut off the power. OSHA regulations.”
“But it runs on tiny batteries that are solar powered!”
“We’re going to have to schedule a repair at night then. We can have a crew out there next week, but we have to charge you an additional $80 million plus the cost of another Space Shuttle launch plus double time for emergency service.”
“Whatever. Just get it done.”
Two weeks later . . .
Frank: Wow, look at all the mirrors.
Bob: They make me look fat. Do you think I look fat?
Frank: Shut up and toss me a wrench.
Bob: Here, catch. (Crack) Oops.
Frank: Oh, great. I hope we have a spare mirror on the Shuttle.
Bob: I hope we have a spare wrench. It’s flying off to Mars.
Frank: Take the Shuttle to Home Depot and pick up another one. And grab some coffee and donuts while you’re out. This may take awhile.
Bob: Sure. Toss me the keys . . . Oops.
Two days later . . .
Frank: All set. A brand new circuit board. That ought to do it.
Bob: I’ll test it out. Where’s the remote?
Frank: It was with the wrench.
Bob: Oops.
Frank: No problem. There must be a manual button here someplace.
Bob: Here’s a red one.
Two hours later . . .
“Good morning, Frank’s Repair Shack.”
“Yeah, this is NASA again. In Houston. We just lost contact with our telescope. We can’t see it.”
“Are you looking through the right end? Maybe the lens cap is on.”
“Listen to me! Your people are working on it right now, and all of a sudden it stopped working! The whole telescope went dead!”
“Let me put you on hold while I check . . . . . Sir? Ok, I contacted our service representatives. They are still at the telescope. They tell me everything checks out on their end. It must be a transmission problem. You need to call your cable company.”
“I want to speak with the manager.”
“He’s at the telescope sir. But I will have him call you as soon as he returns . . . . Sir? Sir?”
Two minutes later . . .
“Good morning, Frank’s Repair Shack.”
“This is NASA again. I don’t know what they did, but it’s working.”
“They probably just fiddled with your antenna. Are you seeing your black hole in outer space?”
“No, actually we’re watching the Cartoon Network. But the reception is fantastic.”
“Will there be anything else, sir?”
“Yeah, can you have your guys move their Space Shuttle? It’s blocking our mirrors.”
“I’ll let them know, sir. They are just waiting for a set of keys to be dropped off.”
“Roger.”
“No actually it’s George, sir. Roger is servicing General Motors right now.”
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