Humor by John Christmann
Men: The Inside Story
I would like to address a serious issue that has not gotten the attention it deserves: Men’s Health. Men’s Health is a subject that is ignored each year by millions of healthy men in this country, mainly because they are healthy men.
Contrary to popular belief, Men’s Health does not mean having six pack abs. Men’s Health means trying to revive your six pack abs in the gym on weekends, inducing a hernia in the process, and having to explain to your wife as you sit on a couch holding ice on your crotch that you haven’t seen a doctor in fifteen years precisely because you still have six pack abs, which when you pull up your shirt and wade through all the unsightly navel hair, appears as though the beer was never poured into the cans. Men’s Health means at some point in your life you will be forced to see a doctor for something called a physical.
A physical is nothing more than a routine examination of your body performed by a trusted physician, preferably one with a medical degree, so that you can continue to ignore your health for many years to come.
There is a reason why many men postpone regular physical checkups. Let’s be honest; it is very uncomfortable watching your doctor pull on latex gloves one finger at a time while you sit on a cold steel exam table wearing nothing but a floral medical gown that is open wide in the back. And regrettably, as if the physical wasn’t embarrassing enough, one of the first major medical procedures that many healthy men must confront in their ongoing quest to spend weekends re-proportioning their abs is something called a colonoscopy.
Let me just say right off that a colonoscopy has nothing to do with strengthening abdominal muscles. It has everything to do with staying alive so that you can continue to drink beer and do sit-ups on the weekend. The reason is simple: a colonoscopy screens for cancer of the colon, a leading cause of cancer-related death in this country, particularly among men.
I know many of you are reading this in disbelief, saying to yourself, I thought this was a humor column! It’s true. There is absolutely nothing humorous about colon cancer.
But the digestive tract, whoa boy, now there is a laugh riot!
You see, the colon is part of your intestines, (sometimes referred to as the large intestine to distinguish it from the small intestine which is smaller than the large intestine). The intestines (bowel, gut, beer belly) constitute a slimy stretch of cylindrical tubing about the length of the Alaska Pipeline that connects your stomach to the Southern Hemisphere.
Along the route there are lots of landmarks discovered by misguided medical explorers who were trying to find the South Pole by way of an inland water route. From the stomach we make our way through the Duodenum, the Ileum, the Cecum, the Rectum and finally the Coliseum, home to air fresheners, matches, and the University of Southern California football team.
The main function of the intestines—and the colon in particular—is to foment gas pain. Unlike the other organs in the body which are compact and well defined, the intestines are crammed inside your abdomen like socks in a drawer. After surgery, when forceps or clamps are missing, they are usually found by X-rays to be hidden among the folds of intestines which were hastily stuffed back into the abdominal cavity by gagging surgeons.
Like all of Gaul, the colon is divided into three parts: the ascending colon; the transverse colon; and the descending colon—mistakenly referred to as semicolons. The good news is that relative to the small intestine, the colon is somewhat short. The bad news is that there is really no pleasant way to get there. Hence the reason for this humor column.
Simply put—assuming such a thing can be put simply—a colonoscopy is an endoscopic examination of your colon. Endoscopic means that you are viewed from the inside out, taken from the Latin Endo meaning “internal” and Scopic meaning “large film crew with gas masks”.
A colonoscopy involves the use of a colonoscope, which is a high definition wide angle video camera equipped with high intensity halogen headlights trailed by miles of power cords and fiber optic cables so that your physician can see the nooks and crannies of your colon and, if necessary, confer with specialists via YouTube or the JumboTron in Times Square. The procedure is discretely administered by a team of highly trained professionals, including your gastroenterologist, an anesthesiologist, two blogging nurses, a TV repairman, the Verizon can-you-hear-me-now team, and a fully manned technical support call center located in India.
But to fully explain the colonoscopy procedure we really must begin at the end.
The procedure itself is relatively simple. The lubricated camera end of the colonoscope is . . . well, let’s just say it is a relatively simple procedure. Using a specialized controller your doctor guides the camera up the descending colon, across the transverse colon, through the Straits of Magellan, and down the ascending colon, finally stopping at an area called the Cecum, which is a lot like the Grover Cleveland Rest Stop along the New Jersey Turnpike.
Along the way your doctor racks up points and earns you valuable power ups by shooting lasers at pre-cancerous polyps. It’s kind of like playing Super Mario Brothers in your large intestine.
Fortunately there is no traffic to contend with because the night before you will have undergone another relatively simple laxative procedure at home requiring massive . . . well, let’s just say it is a relatively simple procedure.
As a patient, the most critical aspect of undergoing a colonoscopy is being able to pronounce it.
Here’s why: when you arrive for the procedure you must explain yourself to the receptionist, who is likely to be your neighbor’s daughter working in the outpatient clinic to gain some valuable experience as she considers whether to pursue a career in medicine. Believe me, saying I am here for a colonoscopy is a lot better than saying I am here to have my bowel filmed with a large lubricated camcorder, and then waiting to hear her respond with something clinical like, Ewww, gross! as she informs the doctor that you have arrived for your scheduled C-section.
Trust me; you will never be able to look her or her parents straight in the eye again.
The second most critical aspect associated with a colonoscopy is not talking about it. Ever. Contrary to what you may have heard, the intricacies of intestinal endoscopy do not make for good conversation at dinner parties, especially among people with vivid imaginations or Wii game controllers. To be safe, I would not even tell people that you are reading this column right now, or for that matter, that you know me.
The third most important aspect of undergoing a colonoscopy is to stay away from Mexican food immediately prior to the procedure.
Other than that, the procedure is relatively painless and remarkably free of embarrassment, particularly if you use a fake name. Chuck Norris is always good.
So, for those of you still not convinced that a colonoscopy or a routine physical is entirely necessary, I want you to examine the contents of the following colon very carefully: It sure beats the alternatives!
OK men, back to those beer crunches.
© 2009 Dadinthebox.com