Humor by John Christmann
It Really Works!
One of the benefits to being an award-winning humor columnist is that you get invited to cover some truly momentous, world-class, media events.
The rest of us get invited to Inventor Day in Fairfield, NJ.
Which is how I found myself standing in front of a giant three-foot egg enclosed in a pedestal display case within the corporate offices of Telebrands, the “As Seen on TV” direct marketing company that peppers the infomercial space with enticing devices that can be yours for only $9.99. But only if you call right now.
The egg is seductively lit with museum spotlights and liberally autographed by famous people I don’t know. It is a celebratory representation of the PedEgg, the highly successful oval-shaped foot file invented by A.J. Khubani.
Who is A.J. Khubani, you ask? Well if you were the proud inventor of an inexpensive consumer device that everyone thinks they need, then you would know A.J. Khubani. He is the President and CEO of Telebrands, and champion behind dozens of successful products including WindShield Wonder (clean windshields without straining!), BottleTop (turn your drink can into a bottle!), and of course, his own PedEgg (gently remove calluses and dead skin!).
And on Inventor Day, Mr. Khubani generously throws open the corporate doors in Fairfield, New Jersey to attract the ideas of everyday Americans like you and me who just want to make life a little easier for our neighbors and get filthy rich in the process.
But a word of advice: Get there early. You don’t want to be pitching your idea for a recyclable recycling container late at night when what Mr. Khubani really needs is an electric eyelid opener.
Scores of Thomas Edison hopefuls pace nervously in the lobby and mouth their spiels quietly to themselves before they are called into an exposed board room to sell their ideas in front of Mr. Khubani. With an intuitive feel for the mind of the TV consumer, he considers their short, five-minute pitches while a large electronic display counts down the time.
When the counter chimes, the inventors leave unceremoniously—some with smiles on their faces, most with suppressed disappointment.
Mr. Khubani listens respectfully to every whacky idea imaginable, and doles out inspiring words to these wide-eyed tinkerers who have traveled thousands of miles to pitch the next great idea. Words like: “Every viewer is our customer” or “It may have mass appeal, but is it really a mass problem?” or—with any luck at all—“Why didn’t I think of that!”.
These are not the words that have Harvard-bred, Madison Avenue marketing executives quaking in their Gucci loafers, but for a five minute analysis of the market potential behind a crazy idea, his words offer a window into the entrepreneurial mind of a highly successful businessman. Especially if a large egg in the corporate office is any judge.
After a few inventors pitch questionable ideas such as a Snuggie inspired tear away double blanket for restless sleepers (“don’t get the cold shoulder from your spouse”) or latex-free stretchable bands to tightly reseal food in their own bags (“it keeps the bugs out!”), I begin to daydream. The pitches all sound the same . . .
“It is a pleasure to meet you Mr. Khubani. My name is Mel, from California. Everyone gets upset from time to time, but as we all know, it is not acceptable to hurl invectives in public. Yet psychiatrists agree it is not healthy to hold anger either. So I invented the Garbage Mouth Rant Enhancer.
When tempers flare, just squeeze this soap-shaped device and project a pre-recorded rant. It is perfect for screaming uncontrollably at your ungrateful, gold digging spouse over the phone. Look, there are even buttons for different rants—one for every day of the week!”
I can see A.J. lay his hands on the boardroom table. “Interesting, but it just doesn’t have that ‘wow’ factor we are looking for,” he says.
“But it comes prerecorded with my own voice,” says Mr. Gibson in desperation before the gong returns him to Hollywood. “And for women I have the Hissy Fit. It comes with the voice of . . .”
As my head snaps forward, Mr. Khubani is listening intently to the closing pitch of a prim elderly woman from Florida. She wants to silence the annoying ‘flip flop’ sounds that emanate so rudely from beach sandals, so she came up with self-adhesive gauze inserts that can be stuck on the heels. She calls them Piff Poffs.
“So it’s basically a Band-Aid that sticks in a shoe,” sums up A.J. perceptively.
The woman nods as the five minute counter chimes. It will be a cold ride back to Miami.
I think what we all could use right now is an aspirin-coated bite stick. Fortunately, that’s next.
-----------------------------------------
So, you think coming up with the next product idea is easy! Well get in line behind me friend! Here is MY idea for the Next Big Thing:
Or just watch it on YouTube. Click here!
© 2010 Dadinthebox.com