Humor by John Christmann
Just Like New
Now that the kids are getting older, I have been thinking about replacing our aging and well-worn minivan with a shuttle vehicle that is a little more racy. A little more fun. A little better smelling on the inside.
I was perusing Craigslist for deals when I came across this interesting listing:
Pre-owned 1987 Space Shuttle
Must sell! Gorgeous, well-maintained white NASA Shuttle, 100 million miles, original owner and title. Asking $28 million.
Seats seven comfortably. Twelve independently tethered cup holders. Large cargo bay doors can access payload capacity of 50,000 pounds. New “glass cockpit” sports gray leather interior with eleven LCD displays and an onboard navigation system. Three Rocketdyne Block IIA engines boast highway speeds up to 17,000 mph @ .000008 MPG City/ 19 MPG Space.
This vehicle is safe and has been well-maintained! Complete with factory recalled thermal foam tiles, dual-wing ABS air brakes, cold start package, vacuum air locks, and passenger-side air bags with rear drag parachute. Landing gear has recently been rotated and tires are in good condition.
This remarkable Shuttle is loaded with extras. Solar-powered doors, windows, seats, and moon roof. AM/FM Hubble uplinks and owner-installed eight-track tape player. Factory A/C and oxygen.
Some minor scratches. Cash offers only. Buyer responsible for all shipping and landing costs.
Apparently NASA is selling off its remaining Shuttles as the thirty-year-old Space Shuttle Program comes to an end. I sure hope the astronauts currently working in the International Space Station know about this. I don’t think Yellow Cabs will go that far out of town.
The Shuttle Discovery has been promised to the Smithsonian’s already crowded National Air and Space Museum, which plans to land the large vehicle on the Capitol Mall before turning it into a parking garage. This leaves the two Shuttles Atlantis and Endeavor up for grabs, although it is rumored that Neiman Marcus is in private negotiations with NASA to offer Atlantis in its 2010 holiday catalog.
Personally, I think they should recycle the Shuttles into something that can be enjoyed by everyone, say a water park or a Wall-Mart. But I suppose it is better than abandoning the hulking carcasses at the bottom of the ocean with the Titanic.
NASA is also auctioning off a large collection of assorted Shuttle parts on its website, such as empty squeeze packets of Tang, pens that write upside down, and the dozens of extraneous nuts and bolts that turned up after repairs.
Unfortunately, the on-line auction is only open to museums, science centers, and educational institutions with authorized PayPal accounts. This is so taxpayers like you and me, who paid for the Shuttles to begin with, can soon pay to see mock-up exhibits of a Shuttle cockpit with authentic switches and glowing indicator lights.
Not surprising, the inventory of Space Shuttle parts registers over a million line items. I was hoping that I might be able to slip my minivan in there somewhere, maybe just above the famed $640 government toilet seat. I doubt it would be noticed among so many items, and it would be fun to see it in a museum some day as part of an authentic Space Shuttle cockpit, complete with empty juice containers, loose bolts, and pens that don’t write. I’ll have to remember to remove my CDs from the changer.
Perusing the long list of vehicles advertised on Craigslist, I discovered that NASA is not alone in trying to offload some old clunkers. It seems that US Airways is auctioning the Airbus A32-214 flown into the Hudson River last year by Captain Chesly “Sully” Sullenberger.
Used Airbus A32-214
Previously owned by US Airways, this seasoned aircraft is capable of landing 155 passengers safely in water and can go from 575 mph to splashdown in sixty seconds.
Some water damage and impact dents. No wings. No outboard engines. No life preservers or waterskiing attachments. No in-flight movies. Light snack (Ritz crackers and goose liver). Fees charged for additional bags.
This airplane will be sold “As Is” from a salvage lot in Kearny, NJ. No reasonable offer will be refused. Cash only. Blackout restrictions may apply. Please note that valid, government-issued photo identification must be presented at time of departure.
It seems to me that if I were in the market for a used jet, I would at least like to kick the wings and turn over the engine, but apparently they have been removed. I guess this is so the Airbus can be parked in a long driveway without damaging the house.
I suppose some enterprising rocket scientist will snatch it up, outfit it with some NASA engine parts, and turn it into a stretch limo to shuttle passengers back and forth from New Jersey to after-hour clubs in Manhattan. Or even London. Or maybe even pick up stranded passengers at the International Space Station.
Hmmm. I wonder if I can apply a trade-in for my minivan?
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