Humor by John Christmann
On Our Feet
This is the time of year when we shun shoes in favor of sandals and sandals in favor of our natural caveman feet. At the beach we love to high step barefoot on the burning sand and run screaming to the cool surf to quickly relieve our flaming soles.
But other than this, really, what do we know about our feet?
It turns out feet have been around as long as man. Even longer, if you believe Darwin.
No wonder they hurt.
In contrast, the first known protective footwear—actually sandals—were not developed until around 7,000 BC by Birkenstock Man to protect his feet from the rough, hot pavement commonly found in Neolithic parking lots. These sandals were quickly adopted by hairy-legged primitives in Northern California who found them perfect for espresso foraging.
Fortunately, this era of ‘function over form’ did not last long. Soon thereafter, about the time cave dwelling women discovered closets, the first fashionable footwear came into existence. Much more practical shoes were carefully crafted to pinch the toes and lift the heel high in the air, thereby stretching the calf muscle and putting undo strain on the lower back.
According to petroglyphs from this period, humans went hungry as gathering over rough terrain became more difficult. But women looked a lot better wearing heels with their little black pelts.
The male hunters, in order to eat, developed rubber-soled gym shoes so they could shoot hoops on the weekend.
Unfortunately, as civilization advanced, respect for our feet did not. As recently as the 20th century, small feet in China were considered desirous, a sign of class free from the indignity of manual labor. Young girls aspiring to a life of sitting privilege bound their feet and endured tremendous pain and life long deformities to fit into tiny counterfeit Ferragamo pumps manufactured in Hong Kong.
But those days of barbaric ignorance are long gone. With hundreds of years of shoe advancement behind us we can shake our heads at our foolishness as we slip on a pair of Reef flip flops with a bottle opener embedded in the soul or a $700 pair of Jimmy Choo Platform Slingback’s with six inch stiletto heels.
Most people don’t know it, but there are significant differences between men’s feet and women’s feet. For example, women’s feet are attractive and men’s feet are gnarled and gross and stink when they are exposed to air.
Women often paint their nails and soften their feet with something called Pedicures before stuffing them into the cramped, ill-fitting shoes that they were pleased to obtain on sale.
And men? We don’t even have Pedigrees. We put our shoes outside, wash our feet, and forget about them. And when we accidentally scratch our wives in bed at night, we trim our nails.
My point is this: for such a vital part of our anatomy, our feet are pretty abused by what we protect them with.
Here is a test. There are 26 bones in the human foot. Outside of the five Little Piggy bones, can you name them? Neither can I.
Fortunately, there are people who can. These people are called Podiatrists: Pod for foot, iatrist for obscure diploma on the wall. Podiatrists are foot doctors, not be confused with iPods, those ugly white, square-toed plastic shoes that you wear in your ear.
Podiatry is a very lucrative profession because—unless you are a contortionist—most of us are unable to see the bottom of our feet. Instead, we pay trained professionals to examine the sins of our fashionable shoes, sins like corns and bunions and heel spurs and Plantar Fasciitis and Sasquatch.
It is interesting to note that malpractice insurance is substantially lower for Podiatrists since they seldom confuse, say, a gallbladder with a big toe.
But for more problematic foot conditions, there are uber foot specialists called orthopedic surgeons who can shorten our second toe or reconstruct our fallen arches with gallbladders so that we can fit into our favorite shoes.
And speaking of second toes, did you know that the size of the Stayed at Home toe relative to the Went to Market toe is an indication of intelligence? Since I broke mine kicking a tree, I can testify that this is just a Wives’ Tale. But professionals called Podomancers can actually reveal your inner personality just by reading your feet!
For example, they would know if you have a foot fetish or not.
Kidding aside, when it comes to feet, all of the experts agree on one thing: adequate foot care can only be provided by wearing properly designed shoes; shoes that fit comfortably and support the unique size, shape, and condition of our feet.
When some cool ones are developed, I will let you know.
© 2010 Dadinthebox.com