Humor by John Christmann
Revenge Of The Body Parts
Here are some sports stories I would really like to see.
Civil Suit Brought Against Plaxico Burress by Right Thigh
New Jersey. In a surprise move today Plaxico Burress’s right thigh filed civil charges against the beleaguered running back stemming from wounds it sustained during a shooting incident in a Manhattan night club.
Speaking for the injured thigh at a press conference was his attorney, Ms. Amber Lance-Chaser. “It is time for my client to stand up and be heard. He has been supporting Mr. Burress long enough. We will be asking for damages commensurate with the loss of income he could have earned on the football field.”
Plaxico Burress caught the winning touchdown in the Giants' victory over the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. “If it wasn’t for my client, Plaxico Burress never would have made it to that ball,” added his attorney.
Prior to Burress’s guilty plea in district court to weapons possession, interest in Burress’s fast femur had been running high. The Philadelphia Eagles reportedly offered an undisclosed amount for a one year contract contingent on finding a wide receiver missing a right thigh. Ultimately The Eagles backed out of the deal, signing Michael Vick instead.
Mr. Burress’s thigh continues to be under house arrest along with the rest of Mr. Burress, and could not be reached for comment. However its actions did receive the support of Mr. Burress’s sweat pants, which were cleared of all wrong doing by a Grand Jury after being held for dry cleaning. “The thigh is an innocent victim here. If I had had pockets this might never have happened.”
Mr. Burress accidentally discharged a concealed gun into his thigh after it slipped down his leg from beneath the elastic waistband of his sweatpants.
Favre’s Shoulder Files for Divorce
Minnesota. Re-unretired star quarterback Brett Favre received news in training camp yesterday that his shoulder is filing for divorce. Papers submitted in a Minnesota court cite “irreconcilable differences” stemming from a torn rotator cuff that has been the cause of friction in their union for the past year.
Favre’s arm pit, who is close to the couple, expressed concern, but not surprise. “They have been separated before. But I never thought it would come to this.” The arm pit went on to say that Favre never consulted his shoulder of 39 years about his decision to join the Vikings. “Coming out of retirement yet again was the last straw. Moving to Minnesota didn’t help much either.”
But Favre’s left elbow believes the problem lies elsewhere. “A lot of people don’t know this, but Bret’s right arm is bicepual, which can create a lot of strain in a shoulder marriage.”
Favre claims he has never been unfaithful to his shoulder, but at least one Viking teammate claims that since moving to Minnesota Favre brazenly continues to make passes and has openly expressed his renewed desire to “play the field”.
Shortly after he retired from the New York Jets, Favre publically blamed his shoulder for distractions late in the season. During the off season Favre and his shoulder underwent extensive Couples Therapy in attempt to heal the growing rift in their rotator cuff. “Its about all that is keeping them together right now,” said an anonymous source close to the couple. Others worry about the family. Said his elbow, “You have to feel sorry for the tendons. This must be tearing them apart!”
There are unsubstantiated rumors that despite the divorce, the couple will continue to live together. At stake is $25 million settlement over the next two years, though if Favre throws his shoulder out now this could be substantially less.
Disabled Extremities File Class Action Suit Against Mets
Queens. The law firm, Useum, Abuseum and Fuseum, has filed a class action suit against the New York Mets organization on behalf of the growing number of body parts that are currently resting out the season on the Disabled List.
Lawyers from the firm made the announcement outside Citi Field in a carefully prepared statement: “We the thumbs, hips, knees, ankles, elbows, and associated cartilage employed by the NY Mets organization have been grievously damaged at a result of inattention. We demand workers compensation and extensive pre-game warm-ups.”
Noted sports surgeon Dr. Arthur Scopic, who organized the suit on behalf of the damaged limbs, said this: “We are sending a message to the franchise and its trainers that they can no longer abuse healthy body parts. By filing this suit we are essentially giving them the finger, torn ligaments and all.”
Representatives from the Players Extremities Union are backing the class action suit. “It’s time owners recognize that the whole is not greater than the sum of its parts when some its parts are battered and bruised.”
The Mets season has been hamstrung by injuries. Now it appears as though the hamstring itself has been pulled, potentially placing the entire team on the Disabled List.
Fans milling around the stadium were ambivalent. “Oh well,” said one, “At least it’s been a good year for ice.”
© 2009 Dadinthebox.com