Humor by John Christmann
Sleeping with Oscar
SCENE I. From a television set in New Jersey an image of a golden statue rotates slowly on a pedestal while a honey-throated announcer begins a much anticipated telecast.
Announcer: Welcome to the Academy Awards show, brought to you live from the Dolby Theater in Hollywood, California! It promises to be a star-studded night full of Oscar dreams. Meryl, Leonardo, Sandra, Chiwetel Ejiofor—they are all making their way across the red carpet. Let’s go to our fashion reporter on the floor, Fawn Obsequious. Fawn?
Fawn: What a night! The stars are all out and they are elegant indeed! Oh wait, here comes John “Dad In The Box” Christmann! Hi John! What are you up for this evening?
Dad In The Box: I don’t know. Maybe a basketball game on TV. Or even a good movie. Then bed.
Fawn: You are so, so, so, so funny! I meant, what Academy Award are you up for?
Dad In The Box: What? Are they on again? Well, I guess I am up for best comedic screenplay that was never turned into a YouTube video.
Fawn: That sounds just amazing! What is your screenplay about?
Dad In The Box: It’s about a man who falls asleep on the couch while reluctantly watching the Academy Awards with his wife. He wakes up the next morning with a sore neck and writes an award winning screenplay based on his experience.
Fawn: Talk about irony!
Dad In The Box: Yes, that’s why it was never turned into a YouTube video.
Fawn: I didn’t know the Academy gave awards for such things!
Dad In The Box: They don’t, but I am hoping to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award for sleeping through the Oscars.
Fawn: I have to tell you, you look absolutely stunning! What are you wearing?
Dad In The Box: Baggy cargo pants and a T-shirt.
Fawn (gesturing toward his shirt): Armani?
Dad In The Box (looking down): No, it’s just a beer stain and some pizza grease. I have to give it back in the morning.
Fawn: Well good luck tonight, John!
Dad In The Box: Thanks. Say, do you know where the men’s room is located?
SCENE II. Same television set, two or three hours later.
Ellen DeGeneres: And here is an award that needs NO introduction . . .
Jay Leno: (interrupting as he walks on stage to applause): OK! And the winner is . . . (Scattered laughter).
Ellen DeGeneres (surprised): Jay Leno! What are you doing here?
Jay Leno: Looking for work at ABC. You know I never hosted an Oscar. What’s up with that? Say Ellen, who writes your material?
Ellen DeGeneres: Probably the winner for this year’s comedic screenplay that was never turned into a YouTube video. (More scattered laughter.)
Jay Leno (in exaggerated tone): Well, that certainly wouldn’t be me! (Real laughter this time). But it could be . . . (tears open the envelope) . . . John “Dad In The Box” Christmann for his amusing docudrama, Sleeping with Oscar!
The television camera pans to rear of the auditorium and zooms in on the lucky Oscar recipient, who is snoring in his seat. His wife, seated next to him, pokes him in the ribs with her elbow. He jerks awake and grunts. He mumbles something, which appears to the TV audience as of he is saying, “is it over yet?”
The camera jumps to Meryl Streep who throws her head back in mock anguish. Then to George Clooney who is looking at his watch. Then mercifully, to Amy Adam’s American Hustle cleavage.
The winner stumbles up the stairs, grabs the Oscar, and holds the hefty award to his lips in triumph. Speechless, he takes several long moments gazing at the golden statue in front of his face, before grimacing suddenly in shock.
Dad In The Box: AGGGH! This statue has a . . . This statue is way too anatomically correct!
He looks around embarrassed, and then, realizing where he is, quickly addresses the audience.
Dad In The Box: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to thank the accountants from Price Waterhouse for inadvertently leaving their brief case in the men’s room so that I might win this prestigious award tonight. I have dreamed of this moment ever since I fell asleep an hour ago.
Music swells.
Dad In The Box: Wait, I am not finished yet. I want to thank . . . .” Cut to commercial.
SCENE III. Pan from the TV set to a couch, where a man is snoring next to his wife during the Academy Awards. She pokes him continually in the ribs with her elbow until he stops. Eventually she rises, turns off the television and shakes her husband into semi-consciousness.
Wife: Honey, the show is over. It’s time for bed.
Dad In The Box (talking in his sleep): . . . and above all, I want to thank my understanding wife for letting me sleep through the Academy Awards again this year. She likes me! She really likes me!
Fade to black.
© 2014 Dadinthebox.com