Humor by John Christmann
Smoking The Half Pipe
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to plunge into an Olympic halfpipe on a snowboard?
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to fly like a tomato straight up in the air 20 to 30 feet?
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to spin and flip and soar in a graceful arc gently touching down backwards on a vertical wall of snow preparing for a cannon shot down and up the other side?
Neither have I.
But a few years ago, I did learn to ride a snowboard. On a ski vacation I took notice of the many snowboarders leaving glittering contrails in the crisp mountain air as they swept down the mountain, and foolishly thought to myself, “Gee, that looks like fun!”
Although it may seem daunting to strap what looks like a piano lid to your feet and get down the mountain in one piece, learning how to snowboard can be accomplished relatively quickly.
So for those of you like me, with little common sense, who might be inspired by Olympians standing on a medal podium with all of their limbs intact, allow me to share some pointers to help you get started.
Don’t Listen to Idiots. Snowboarders make it look so effortless that you may be inclined to rent a board for a day and give it a whirl. But unless you have an affinity for the ground, I would not recommend this approach to your first experience on a board. And here I will echo what most living boarders will tell you: take a lesson from a qualified instructor—not from some guy who tried it and is now writing about the experience.
Are You Goofy? This is not a rhetorical question posed at your desire to try snowboarding. The term “goofy” refers to your stance on the board: right foot forward (Goofy) or left foot forward (Regular). Rent from a store with knowledgeable riders that can help you identify your stance, give you the right size board, and talk you out of it.
Gravity Rules. Remember Newton? You are the apple. As you begin to snowboard, I guarantee you will become reacquainted with the ground. And in case you have forgotten, it is cold and hard. Take it slow and stuff your long johns with plenty of foam rubber.
Embrace Your Inner Klutz. Along with your cold weather gear, be sure to bring your humility. You will need it. From the moment you strap on the board and discover you can’t get up until you stop the chair lift because you can’t get off, you will be feeling inept in every way. Deal with it.
Basic Training. Repeat after me: “The bunny slope is my friend.” Plan on spending some time there working on your stance, your balance, your use of toe-side and heel-side edges, and most of all your confidence. Just remember that this slope is usually near the lodge, which is populated by people who prefer video cameras to snowboarding, so don’t be surprised if you appear on America’s Funniest Home Videos.
Read the Trail Map. On your first big run down you want to avoid the Terrain Park. This is usually an innocently labeled area of the mountain filled with dangerous jumps, rails, half pipes and crazy teenagers who are one twist shy of a full landing. The Terrain Parks are are clearly marked, but a word of warning: once you start down you can’t snowboard back up.
Know Your Terminology. The term, drop into the half pipe, is an apt one. Particularly if you have skipped the previous pointer about reading the trail map. If you mistakenly drop into the halfpipe you will know it instantly. In snowboarding parlance this is called losing your lunch. Also be famiiar with the term, big air because that is what you will be doing shortly.
Yodo Flip. The Yodo Flip is a snowboarding trick I invented. Yodo stands for You Only Die Once. Fortunately it was a trick I didn’t master and don’t intend to try again. It works like this: you tuck in your shoulder and wrap your ands tightly around your body as if you are spinning out of control and hanging onto empty air for dear life.
Interestingly, this is the exact same position one adopts when tightly secured to a ski patrol toboggan.
Ok, so you have finished your first day vowing never to return until snowboarding freezes over. Don’t give up. Like all new activities snowboarding requires some perseverance. Fortunately, warm ski lodges and Russian vodka were invented to inspire perseverance.
If you can stick with it for a couple of days, you will be up and boarding—I guarantee it. And when that happens you will find that your comfort will rapidly increase with every run until before you know it you are watching the Olympic snowboarders on TV from the safety of a couch, thinking why would anybody want to do this?
© 2014 Dadinthebox.com