Humor by John Christmann
Spring Ahead
I have some good news! If you set your clock forward last week and you live in Sweden and you are reading this right now, then you are still alive!
On a more distressful note, 96.7 Swedes aren’t chuckling right now. Or even breathing for that matter.
Here’s why. In a study conducted last year, Swedish medical researchers sifting through mounds of data collected in that country over the past twenty years discovered a 5% increase in the number of heart attacks on the Monday following the shift to Daylight Savings Time. This means that in Sweden, at least, around one hundred needless deaths occur every year because the clocks are moved forward one hour.
The experts suggest that this disturbing anomaly is caused by lack of sleep and the one hour disruption to our circadian rhythms. While it is hard for me to believe that losing one hour of sleep can stop a heart, it does explain why my California relatives are reluctant to cross three time zones to visit me.
On the other hand, it could be that I live in New Jersey.
I could probably accept this risk if the clocks were moved forward by something more substantial than one hour. Like, say 65 years. Imagine getting up on Monday morning knowing that you are over 100 years old and still at the same job. Or that you have great grand children that are still living with you. It gives me heart burn just thinking about it.
But as remote as this sounds, consider this. A number of years ago I was to give a presentation to a large corporate client located in Kansas City. I arrived at the airport for an early morning flight only to discover that I had somehow missed the transition to Daylight Savings Time. My chest tightened as I watched my plane lumber onto the tarmac carrying my career in the empty window seat located right next to my boss in 22B. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. And I am not even Swedish.
Fortunately I caught another flight. And with the one hour time change to Kansas City I didn’t even need to reset my watch. Which was helpful because I don’t know how.
I have my own theory. I believe the tragic increase in fatalities attributed to Daylight Savings is because people can’t figure out how to set digital clocks. This is not to be taken lightly. I was trying to set my watch on the Monday following Daylight Savings when I was almost struck by a car. It was partially my fault; I was fiddling with the tiny buttons when I absently stepped out into the intersection against the light.
The auto screeched to a halt inches before the crosswalk and a concerned woman leapt from the vehicle and rushed to my side in hysterics. “Oh my gosh, I am so, so sorry” she cried clutching her breast, “I was trying to set the stupid clock in my car and I didn’t see you!”
I sized up the situation. She looked like a young Ingrid Bergman. She was driving a Volvo. Abba was blasting from the radio. I realized she could go into cardiac arrest at any moment. I dialed 911 and probably saved her life.
I understand how such things can happen. I have a couple of appliances in my house made in Sweden, including a very stylish microwave oven. The first spring after it was installed I spent an hour trying to figure out how to change the time on the digital display. This was on top of the hour that I lost the night before. Over the years I just gave up resetting the thing. For half of the year I mentally add an hour to the time displayed on the oven’s clock. Of course once I miscalculated and vaporized an entire plate of meatballs, dish and all, but it sure beats having a heart attack.
Here is what I think. I think the Monday following the shift to Daylight Savings should be declared a national holiday. We can all spend the day reading user manuals to adjust our clocks and then take a one hour nap to make up for the hour we lost the day before. I am sure the high risk employees at IKEA would appreciate it.
But given the state of the world right now, I am not going to lose sleep over losing sleep. There are just too many other things to keep me up at night. Like whether I will still need to work when I am 100 years old or if I reset the timer on the automatic coffee maker. I can’t survive the morning without a cup of coffee.
Here is some more good news. If you are Roman dictator named Caesar and are reading this right now you have survived the Ides of March. Even better, if you are reading this right now and are sober, chances are good that you have also survived St. Patrick’s Day.
But here is the best news of all: daffodils are poking out of the ground, the air smells clean and fresh, and the stock market rallied last week—Hope springs eternal in the human breast. And friends, our spring is only a few days away.
As far as I am concerned, it can’t come an hour too soon.
© 2009 Dadinthebox.com