Humor by John Christmann
Who's Who in Super Bowl XLIV
The Super Bowl is this Sunday. This gives us a good excuse to drink beer in front of the TV, as opposed to most other Sundays, when we drink beer in front of the TV without a good excuse.
After a lengthy drinking binder of playoff games that started with the World Series, the champions of the NFC (National Football Conference) will finally play the champions of the AFC (American Football Conference) for the championship of the NFL (National Football League) on CBS (Columbia Broadcasting System) at 6:30 pm EST (Eastern Standard Time) just before the TLA (Three Letter Acronym) awards.
Super Bowl XLIV (Extra Large Intravenous) pits the New Orleans Saints against the Indianapolis Colts. The Saints, who during the regular season wore randomly-generated combinations of gold and black pants with black and white jerseys in order to confuse their opponents and their dry cleaner, will be wearing white “away” Jerseys. The Colts will be wearing blue Jerseys because they are the home team, even though they are playing in Miami, the home of the Dolphins, who wear some sort of ugly aqua and orange uniform with white socks and sandals.
The Saints have a fleur-de-lis on their helmets, the symbol of French royalty and the great city of New Orleans. The Colts have an imprint of a horseshoe, the symbol of being too close to the wrong end of a horse.
To really enjoy the game and pretend you are knowledgeable, it is important to identify a few of the key players.
The head coach for the New Orleans Saints is Sean Payton, not to be confused with Peyton Manning, the star quarterback for Indianapolis and the son of Archie Manning, a former star quarterback for New Orleans, who should not be confused with their current star quarterback, Drew Brees, who played college football near Indianapolis, and who is no relation to Peyton’s brother Eli Manning, the star quarterback of the New York Giants, who wears a blue jersey at all of his home games in New Jersey.
Look for solid running games from Saints’ running back Reggie Bush, not to be confused with veteran Colts’ receiver Reggie Wayne, or for that matter, Bruce Wayne, who is Batman.
On the defensive side of the line keep tally of the sacks attributed to pro-bowl defensive linemen Will Smith—not to be confused with Will Smith who plays a defensive lineman in an upcoming movie based on the life of jazz dancer Frankie Manning—and the Colts’ Dwight Freeny, who is thinking about changing his name to Freeny Manning.
And speaking of The Who, the legendary rock band will perform at halftime. The Who have been around longer than the Super Bowl, and possibly even longer than roman numerals. They are led by singer Roger Daltry and guitarist Pete Townsend. Look for them to honor their former band mates, bass player Bud Abbott and drummer Lou Costello, with a rousing performance of their hit, Who’s On First.
There is always sentimental drama at the Super Bowl, and this year is no different.
The Saints lost their stadium, the Louisiana Superdome, for the entire 2005 season after it was destroyed by hurricane Katrina, not to be confused with the University of Miami Hurricanes who blew through the Miami Orange Bowl stadium for 70 years before it was finally demolished in 2008.
The Colts also lost their home stadium in Indianapolis after their team bus missed the exit on I-70 and ended up in St. Louis, not to be confused with St. Petersburg, near Georgia, roughly 500 miles southeast of New Orleans in Florida and 6,000 miles northeast of Miami in Russia.
The Colts have been to the Super Bowl three times, twice when they were in Baltimore and then again—under the sharp navigational skills of Peyton Manning—when they were in Indianapolis and met Chicago in Miami.
The Saints have never been to a Super Bowl since their admittance to the league as an expansion team in 1967. That was the same year The Who Sell Out was released, even though this year marks The Who’s first appearance in the sold-out Super Bowl.
Both teams claimed the best records in their leagues, although Who’s Next is a pretty good record too. All in all, it should be a great matchup.
Well, that’s all I know about the Super Bowl, which I think qualifies me to be a TV sports announcer. So pull up a seat and enjoy the game. But first, if you don’t mind, pass the pralines and grab me a Colt Malt. I don’t want to miss any of the commercials.
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