Humor by John Christmann
The World Of More
I recently received an enticing notice in the mail from my cable provider, who shall remain nameless. It said in big bold menacing letters: YOUR FAVORITE CHANNELS WILL SOON GO AWAY UNLESS YOU CALL NOW.
I immediately called Comcast, my cable provider who shall remain nameless. Why can’t I keep my favorite channels and have the others go away? I wanted to know. Out of hundreds of channels, I only watch five or six.
Unfortunately the nice woman with the tin can voice was not programmed to answer my question, so I went to the website. A screen popped up with more big bold letters: Welcome to the World of More!
I discovered that Comcast, my cable provider who shall remain nameless, is upgrading some channels to digital. In order to retain these channels I must have a digital device for every TV in my house, which is supplied by Comcast at no charge to me. I guess this is the World of More they were talking about.
I also discovered that the consequences for inaction were dire. My Lifetime was threatened. My Oxygen Channel would be cut off. I would lose essential nourishment like the Food Channel. If there was a Water Network, I am sure that would be turned off too. The whole Animal Planet could be wiped out!
What about Sponge Bob? I wanted to know. It turns out he was safe. But Hannah Montana? Gone with the Disney Channel. My daughter would never forgive me.
So I signed up to receive the equipment that I believed would ensure the continued health of my family in front of the television. But just in case, I updated my will.
Two days later a box came by UPS. Inside was an ADD (Another Digital Device) complete with its own ARC (Another Remote Control) and AWA (Another Wall Adapter).
The instructions were simple. Plug in the AWA, connect the ADD, program the ARC and enter the ASN (Another Serial Number) to activate the service. It was an AHA (Another Head Ache) moment.
Here is the problem. The back of my TV is tethered to a cabinet by short tangled stretches of cable. It is a marvel of design ingenuity, where form meets function via rows of tiny connectors identified in Braille that are crammed in recessed cavities just out of reach of my finger tips.
The mass of cables are connected to every appliance within ten feet of the TV, including a DVD, a computer, a stereo system, and an electric toothbrush. They are all plugged into a dangerous industrial power strip called a Surge Protector that can be identified by a small flickering neon bulb. No Vacancy it says.
The cabinet that hides all these wires is a dark and dusty place not fit for humans. To do anything inside I must sign a waiver and wear a miner’s helmet.
“I’m going in,” I told my wife. “Tell the kids that I love them.”
Twenty minutes later I emerged triumphantly. I had just saved all of TV Land, as well as 49 other channels that I never watch, from certain death.
I turned on the TV and locked it down to Channel 3. The History channel flashed into life with a rebroadcast of AWW (Another World War) in black and white. I had just entered The World of More.
But my daughter wasn’t interested in more world history. Not while Hannah Montana was still alive.
“How do I change to Disney?” she wanted to know.
“With the new remote,” I told her.
“What remote?”
“The remote that was in the box.”
“You mean the box out there?”
She pointed out the window to the driveway, and I watched as the recycling truck pulled away from our house carrying a dozen beer bottles and one partially empty cardboard box.
I quickly learned that without the remote I could not change channels because the little digital box I had so diligently installed had no channel buttons. This, after all, was The World of More.
I called Comcast, my cable provider who shall remain nameless, to explain my predicament. Unfortunately the nice woman with the tin can voice was not programmed to address my question, so I went to the website and left the following message:
In the World of More, less is more, and what I need, more or less, is less remote and more control.
They responded right away, and were more than happy to send me a new remote with an ASC (Another Service Charge) itemized on my next bill.
In the meantime, we can still watch the History Channel. And since Germany has just invaded Poland, I figure the new remote will probably arrive about the time the marines storm Normandy.
More popcorn, anyone?
© 2009 Dadinthebox.com