Humor by John Christmann
The Wrong Rights
My younger son failed his social studies test on the Bill of Rights: he listed them in the wrong order. Personally, I feel this violates his right to freedom of speech. But unfortunately this also violates his teacher’s right to fail him on the same grounds.
I don’t think it is fair to expect a fifth grader to understand something most adults don’t understand. I say this freely, knowing that my rights are protected under the first amendment and that I was the adult who helped him study.
It is important to put the Bill of Rights in perspective: they were added to the Constitution not to preserve rights, but to prevent wrongs. Our founding fathers drafted the articles of protection because they worried that constitutional government would have too much power.
So here then, are the ten Bill of Rights in correct order as understandable by a fifth grader or me, whoever is civically more responsible.
1. Freedom of speech, religion, and the right to assembly. As we have seen in dramatic and historical fashion over the past month, the first amendment right to assembly gives people the freedom to gather in public places and openly protest oppressive regimes and gross abuses in power.
I am, of course, referring to government workers in Wisconsin.
The first amendment also allows us to worship as we please, unless we are Islamic, in which case our right to congregate can be overridden by our other first amendment right to angry protests and disinformation.
And speaking of disinformation, the first amendment also affords me the opportunity to post anything I want on the Internet. Is this a great country, or what?
2. The right to bear arms. This amendment does not, as most people assume, call for Michelle Obama to wear sleeveless dresses in public. This is the right to own guns, the use of which are forbidden under the sixth commandment, a moral code which is not really binding anyway under freedom of religion.
3. Protection from quartering troops. As homeowners, we do not have to let combat troops in our homes unless we live in Iraq. This means that if you know young men and women in the military who are fighting to preserve our liberties, you are in no way obligated to invite them to dinner.
They are welcome at my house, however.
4. Protection from unreasonable search and seizure. The government and its agencies cannot look for drugs, explosives, and contraband without a search warrant signed by a judge at the last minute. Apparently, this amendment also gives NBC the right to endless plot lines for Law and Order.
5. The right to due process of the law and protection against double jeopardy and self-incrimination. Pleading the “fifth amendment” is much more than admitting guilt in court without really admitting guilt in court, it is the unassailable right in this country to only pay lawyers once.
6. The right to a speedy trial decided by an impartial jury. As far as I can tell, this important amendment establishes that hapless citizens like me shall be called for jury duty, and then recessed for a two-hour lunch break in a seedy part of town before being summarily dismissed by defense attorneys at 3:00 PM—the end of court—for not appearing sympathetic enough.
7. The right to a civil trial by jury. According to arcane legal language written into the Bill of Rights, this amendment only applies to common law infractions where the value in dispute is greater that $20. Adjusting for inflation since 1791, this means that civil suits brought against Bernard Madoff must be heard by a panel of his peers, who have each swindled at least $6.8 billion from investors.
8. Protection from excessive bail and cruel and unusual punishment. This important amendment upholds our right to see victims like Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen free from jail and safe behind nightclubs where they belong.
9. Protection from rights not enumerated in the constitution. I am not sure what rights the founding fathers did not want to address at the time, but clearly the right to cheap credit was one. And maybe free iPhone apps.
10. Powers allocated to the states and the people. The tenth amendment was obviously written at the end of the day when the only things keeping our founding fathers from the pub were a few thorny rights such as marital status, education, and access to municipal dumps.
This final amendment basically states that whatever rights are left out of the Constitution may be manipulated at the discretion of state and local government. This is why we have the right to dispute such things as same sex parking tickets in Supreme Court every other Tuesday between 10:00 and 10:30 except holidays.
Did I pass?
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